Formless as Water



It was the beginning of spring.

The crows on her doorstep ate the carrot cake crumbs she left for them. There was a hint of mold on the scraps but they didn’t mind. It was the most she could do anyway–given the circumstances.

Nights filled with stale wine and smudged glitter eyeshadow. This emptiness was filling her up like the rainstorms she experienced while staying at her grandmother’s in Cameroon. The classical French music lingering in her ears didn’t help considerably.

Sometimes when she laid in bed at night she wondered about her past lives. She guessed they didn’t matter much, but she liked to think she was once a small mouse that lived in the walls of an old man’s library. If only she could be that small now. Bundle up all her energy into a small penny. But her lanky limbs wouldn’t budge.

She thought of her Aunt Flora. Aunt Flora had always claimed she had been Yayoi Kusama’s best friend while she was a model in Tokyo. Her mother had told her that Flora was in Brazil at the time, but it was still nice to think about. She wished that could have been her life story.

She sprayed some Chanel no. 5 on her favorite jacket which happened to be an heirloom of Flora’s and took it on a ride to Montreal.

She tried reading one of Hemmingway’s to impress a boy in her English glass but gave up. She stared at the yellow cracks on the subway that matched her teeth. The young couple beside her filled her with green feelings that she began to feel the urge to rip out all her hair. She got off at the next stop.

She walked the empty streets with shoes that had holes in the rubber sole. She deliberately stepped in the puddles. The air was so crisp she felt like she could cut it with her canines. Walking into the central park, she saw a baby squirrel get fed by it’s mother and she cried.

She tasted the hot saltly liquid on her lips and felt queasy. Though, she knew it wasn’t from her frozen Indian dinner. She picked at the scab on her wrist wishing to feel anything as she made her way back. It was no use.

She didn’t. She never did.


photo credit: http://chacoco.tumblr.com/



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